Nightmares even when ya don't sleep

[Synistergrrl]

~The moon hung in the sky, half full, shining down on the little camp. Snow had started to fall and was slowly blanketing the area. It was good none of them needed to worry about staying warm. So they could stay out there all winter, which they no doubt would do. But at the moment, all was quiet. There had been a bit of wildness with the coyotes showing up and the moonshine that Colt brought in. Finally everyone had passed out, or atleast those that slept. Vampires didn't have to worry about sleep, but they also couldn't drink, so they'd all remained the sober ones. At some point Ren had tugged Jules away from the group. Burying into Ren was good, the few hours he spent in the wolf's embrace sent all the bad running away. Jules felt safe in those arms and more so, loved. But when the wolf finally fell asleep, all that dark came back.~

~Jules crawled out of the tent and went to sit at the edge of the dying fire. He was alone, sitting on a log and staring into the dying embers. The snow fell around him and over his body. He looked like some perfect statue. But inside he was cracking. It was all the pressure. He knew Jean Luc was going to come for him. He knew it deep down. It was just a matter of when. And he was fiending for blood, but not just any blood, Jean Luc's blood. Jules managed to hold it all together while they were running and even for the first few days they'd been there with the pack. But he knew he was addicted to that old vampire blood. It was liker heroin. It sang to him, called his name and he couldn't even feed off humans. The animal blood just wasn't doing it for him. At night when Ren slept, Jules was loosing his fucking mind. And he knew that this was what Jean Luc had wanted and it made him so very angry. Infact, he was up in a moment and had moved with that speed into the woods. He just began to trash things around him until it looked like there had been a small tornado that had just set down in that spot. He dropped to the ground and punched the tree he'd knocked down causing the big trunk to crack.~

~He had a sinking feeling that Jean Luc was waiting. He would think that at some point Jules was going to crack and come crawling back to him. And there was a sick part of him that wanted to do that. But God only knows what hell he's have to pay to do that. And then ofcourse, he'd have to give up Ren and the rest. He felt so weak and small at that moment, so it felt like he could, just run and escape back to Paris and crawl back to Jean Luc. But he hated himself for even thinking such thoughts. His head dropped and he felt his heart and soul shatter again. He kept trying to pick up pieces, but he never could seem to hold it together for very long. And worse, he knew that Ren thought he was okay, because he presented himself that way to Ren. The only one in the world that would understand was Em and Em well he was still angry. Yes he had giving a peace offering, but there was still that underlying angry and betrayal. And how could Jules go to Em and expect him to just sit there and listen to his own torture when he'd taken away the one thing that had mattered to Em, his humanity.~

[LittleDeadGrrl]

-In those dark moments that old friendship always tugged him back or maybe it was the fact he also couldn't sleep and he'd gotten no satisfaction from Hawk. The coyote had left him with an inch he refused to scratch. He heard the noise and moved slowly before sniffing out Jules. He frowned standing there for a moment just watching. His brow furrowed as he watched the vampire who was in such pain. He had no idea what Jean Luc had actually done to him but he also knew how the vampire operated and he could imagine. He hesitated a moment, part of him wanted to let Jules suffer. He had crimes to pay for, but Devin's words rang back to him and shamed him moving the dark haired vampire in a bit closer. He sat down beside him staring out ... -

How bad is it?

-He asked softly, giving Jules a side glanced as if to tell him not to deny he was addicted to the old vampire's blood. He sighed staring off ... -

His insurance policy ... even if you got away you'd want to come back ...

-His eyes narrowed ... -

Cross that shit off your mind right now. Finn needs you and Ren will go after you dragging every other stupid wolf who has sworn loyalty to him with him ... so I'll chain you to myself before I let you do that ...

-He meant those words, they were spoken darkly, almost cruelly, but behind them was love. He loved Jules. He loved Ren. He didn't want them broken. He wanted them to work, whatever their fucking problem, and whatever bad blood now existed between them. He reached out tugging Jules in a bit closer ... -

You shoulda come to me ... were you gonna stand out here and gnaw off your own fingers maybe. We have to step you down ... my blood ... human blood ... than animal blood ...

-It laid it out simply, logically, but there was a faint coldness to it. Part of that was still the pain, he'd help Jules because he loved him but it still hurt. He had no idea if he'd ever be able to be friends with the vampire again ... -

[Synistergrrl]

~Jules felt Em before he was actually there beside him. He didn't move or speak right away, instead he just sat there quietly, the area around him completely shredded. As Em sat down and then asked that question, Jules who was still holding the wall up, cracked a little. He didn't look at Em, but the vampire could see his best friend and worst enemy was shaking. He didn't have to speak, Em knew it all, already. But then Em was making those threats and Jules just sighed. It gave him something to focus on, even if Em didn't mean to offer that rope for the vampire to cling too.~

I'd never, Em. So you can shut up talking about it. I wouldn't go back there, not unless I was going to kill him... You honestly think...

~He growled then, anger welling up in him at that moment.~

You've no idea... NO idea... and yes... maybe I deserved it... But I'd never go back to him. I'd kill myself first. I couldn't and wouldn't let that bastard touch me again or have the pleasure of me crawling back to him.

~He sighed some and then Em tugged him in closer and Jules just melted against Em. The slight trembling seemed to suddenly grow stronger. He sighed and then he pulled back and stared at Em. The suggestion was a bit shocking. But the fact that Em suggested it, it meant so much more than Em could imagine.~

Em...

~Jules sighed but shook his head.~

I... I don't deserve you....

~he said it quietly and then frowned.~

They won't like that idea... the wolves... Ren... they... he doesn't understand... and... he doesn't really know, Em... I can see it in his eyes. He thinks... He thinks everything is fine, that I'm fine.... I'm not... I'm so fucked, Em. You've no idea... It's not just his blood... I mean... that's part of it... but it's so much more... I can hear him.. in my head... talking to me...

~The last part he said like a whisper and then he slowly looked at Em.~

Em... you can't tell anyone... the only other that knows is Niki... and that's only because of the fox experienced that and much worse.

[LittleDeadGrrl]

-Em knew how Jules would react, all indignant anger at having the truth thrown in his face without decorum but he needed the vampire to focus. For wolves they could fall into anger, it was fire, hot passion, and rage. But for vampires it was the opposite, a sort of cold depression could suck them down so easily until they hardly moved or fed. He was sure they'd torn to statues eventually. He shrugged ... -

Good ... just letting you know it's not an option ...

-When Jules melted into him he sighed and closed his eyes a moment. He snorted a bit at the next part half smirking ... -

I know ... but you got born under a lucky star ...

-He shrugged ... -

My blood they don't have to know about ... it's not any of their business... Finn can't know about it either. He is doing better with the wolf blood ... I don't want him to have the option and Ren. That's your deal ... you wanna keep it from him fine ... we hunt farther away ... if you still hunt animals they might not know ... but a word of advice ...

-He glanced away frowning softly .. -

You know how they look at lies. Ren accepted alot ... but I wouldn't push that trust too far Jules. You finally got him ... he should know about what happened ... how you feel ... you risk losing him ...

-He glanced finally back at Jules as he tugged the vampire in closer ... -

It's not my place to tell ...

-He pressed his forehead against the vampire's a moment before tugging down his shirt a bit as he sliced open the marbled skin allowing the bit of blood to bubble to the surface. The vampire was hurting badly, he needed a fix, and Em needed him to keep it together. He didn't like seeing him in pain although a part of him still wanted to beat him senseless-

[Synistergrrl]

~Jules smiled realizing that Em had sort of forced him to focus on something then his own torment. He listened though, not speaking a word and then he nodded.~

You always know exactly what to say to make me see the reality of things.

~He wanted to say this is why I hate and I love you, but he knew those words might hurt and he didn't want to hurt him every again. He sighed.~

You are right... I should tell him...

~He sighed as he said that, lifting his hand to touch the bite that Ren had put on him back in France. It had been something Jean Luc had threatened to cut off him, but some how Jules had managed to keep the older vampire from doing that. He leaned in then and brushed the dark hair from Em's head.~

Okay, Em... I will talk to him. I would rather them be aware of what I'm going to do then to try and and hide it. He wont' like it. But, you are right, if we are going to stay together, then he's going to have to accept everything....

~And then Jules leaned in some to Em.~

So what's up with you and Devin? He's all wrapped up with Niki now and that Coyote definitely has your attention. Are you okay with all of that?

~He was honestly worried about Em. He understood that Em loved Devin, he could see it in the vampire's eyes. But he also knew that on some level they just didn't fit. Just like he and Jules didn't fit completely. They were close, one could hammer the in, but eventually the pressure would cause the to pop apart.~

[LittleDeadGrrl]

-Em didn't respond to those first words. He could almost feel the unsaid words. It stung but he was thankful Jules didn't say them out loud. Being like this, close, hurt, but he couldn't let him go through this alone. He nodded slowly when he talked about Ren. He knew the wolf wouldn't like this but he'd accept it because he loved Jules. Deeply. He'd accept it if he saw the vampire was in pain. He frowned he mentioned Dev ... -

I have to be ... I love him ... still ... but I'm not enough for him and he's too much for me. Nikita makes him happy and that makes me happy ... as for Hawk ... he's just a passing distraction ...

-He leaned forward staring down ... -

He's still upset ... over what happened with Finn. It'll take a while for him to forgive me ...

-He glanced at the vampire as he moved in closer reaching out pushing the hair from his face ... -

You want to hunt now ... some deer ... or you want something a bit stronger?

-He half smirked arching one eyebrow as he tilted his neck a bit offering it to Jules. He knew on his neck there was a mark, Ren's mark, and deep down he knew he was jealous. Jealous that Ren and Jules had one another and he had no one. Jealous he wasn't marked the same. Jealous he had never owned Jules ... -

[Synistergrrl]

I'm sorry Em....

~Jules spoke the words honestly. He knew that a part of Em wished that he could have been enough for Devin. This time it was Jules who pulled Em in and nuzzled against him. But then he pulled back and smiled.~

Well, least that coyote is a very pretty distraction. You could do worse...

~He teased Em a little bit with that comment and then sighed.~

The wolves always expect so much fro us and are always so disappointed when we don't live up to those standards.

~He shrugged.~

I think not feeding from humans, going vegetarian changes us though, Em. I can see it in Finn and in you. But Finn... it's... he's hardly drank from humans at all... and he's so much more alive then either of us, don't you think?

~He sighed a moment when Em asked if he wanted to hunt. And then offered his own neck. Jules could smell the vampire and it his blood and it crept to him. He leaned in and took a long sniff of Em and felt himself almost salivate. But he pulled back a hair and looked at Em.~

Thank you, Em.

~He meant that with all his heart. He then leaned in, he let his fangs dust Em's neck before he let them sink into Em's neck. He didn't take much, just a little, just enough to make him feel okay again. He almost crawled on top of Em, though he managed to contain himself. He knew that it would be too much, he could feel it. He pulled back slowly, licking his lips, eyes closed with that blissful look on his face. His eyes opened and for a moment Em could see the madness there. Whatever had happened back in Paris, it had broke Jules in a way that hadn't appeared yet, hadn't shown it's true self and when it did, it might be all of their undoing. But his eyes closed and when they re opened, the curtain was back up.~

I should go talk to Ren. While everyone is still asleep. I need to make sure he understands. I don't want to do that in front of the rest of them.

~He looked at Em for a long moment and then reached out and hugged him tightly.~

I meant those words, Em, You really are to good for me...

~He slowly let go and then pushed up and started back to the tent. He needed to speak to Ren and he wasn't sure how the wolf was going to handle what he was going to tell him. He crawled into the tent and just stared at the wolf. Jules knew he loved Ren, it was sort of over powering, it stole his breath. He leaned in then and brushed Ren's hair back.~

Ren....

~His voice was soft and he spoke his name. He then lay down and wrapped up against the wolf. When nudge Ren just a little bit to wake him. When he finally did, Jules gave him a slight smile.~

We need to talk....

[LittleDeadGrrl]

I have done worst ...

-Em shot right back implying Jules had been worst but he half smiled when he said it. When he was tugged in he resisted a moment but sighed and moved in burying a bit into Jules needing the warmth. He nuzzled right back and closed his eyes smiling a touch more ... -

He is ... he's a confusing distraction ...

-He nodded slowly ... -

We're so different in so many ways ... sometimes I think my dream and wants are impossible. Wolves and Vampires. Made it's more than the volturi that keep us apart ... maybe it's blood ...

-He pulled back and nodded slowly ... -

Yeah ... he is ... Hawk said he was more wolf than vampire and I believe it. He has this strange spark of life. We lost ours I think a while ago ... but being with them ... drinking from animals ... we can preserve what we have left ...

-He shook away those deep thoughts as he stared at Em and smiled a touch. He bared his throat and closed his eyes gasping a bit when he felt the sting of the fangs but the pleasure that followed was just as intense. He reached out keeping Jules in close to him and when he pulled back with the blissful look on his face Emile leaned in and claimed the vampire's lips cleaning the blood off before pulling back as he brushed the hair from Jules' eyes frowning ... -

You did pay for your sins didn't you ...

-It wasn't a question, more a fact. He could see the madness and it scared him. He wondered if Jules was strong enough to resist it. He didn't know and more important he didn't know if he'd be able to protect Jules or the pack from it. He nodded slowly though and let him go as the vampire remained on the spot to think quietly. Ren groaned a bit in his sleep as he pushed up ... -

What?

-He growled sleepily before he smiled seeing Jules curled against him ... -

About what ... was I snoring?

-He teased but turned a bit on his side leaning in to claim the vampire's lips before sniffing slowly and arching a brow. He smelled ... vampire blood ... he became more awake with the fact as he arched a brow slowly ... -

What's going on Jules?

[Synistergrrl]

I think any distraction is good right now...

~Jules sighed and then he was drinking Em's blood and the vampire was kissing him and it felt like old times. He sighed when Em mentioned he'd paid for his sins. Em could see Jules eyes cloud over a bit, panic setting in for a second. And then he smiled, but it was cracked.~

I paid for some of the things I have done, but not everything.

~Jules sighed those words. He knew he'd not paid for what he'd done to Em. He had to pay that blood to Em, no one else. But he had gotten up and was leaving Em to wonder if his oldest and best friend was completely insane and that had just not raised it's ugly head yet.~

no... nothing like that...

~Jules sighed softly at the snoring question. He had pressed back into the wolf when he'd been kissed and now he could see the worry on Ren's face. He pushed up slowly and straightened himself some before he began.~

I... We've not really talked about what happened in Paris.

~He had been staring down at the floor before he lifted those eyes to look at Ren. His eyes were starting to turn gold again, slowly, but surely.~

I... don't want to rehash all of it, Ren. I don't. But... you know as well as I do that Jean Luc is anything if not vindictive. All you need to know is he made sure I would remember all those lessons... But he also made sure if I left him that I'd surely want to come crawling back....

~And when Ren seemed confused by that, Jules side.~

Blood, Ren... he gave me, forced me to drink his blood. He'd bleed me and then give me his blood... And because he's old... it's... powerful... and I can't fucking deal with just drinking animal blood and pretend that I don't hear him calling to me every night. It's... not enough, Ren. And I... fell like a junkie....

~He shrugged as he said those last words with sorrow. He hated letting the wolf down and he certainly felt like he was letting the wolf down. He knew that Ren had a certain expectation of Jules, Em and Finn. And on some level it was a little like telling the shapeshifters they weren't allowed to shift because the vampires thought it was wrong. But Jules didn't say that. He just felt the guilt eating at him.~

[LittleDeadGrrl]

-Em was left to wonder if Jules was too far gone but he was also left to wonder if he'd want payment in the end. What he'd lost couldn't be retrieved, it couldn't change the present, so maybe dwelling on the past was doing more harm than good. Still, he felt the wounds of the betrayal still. Ren frowned groaning a bit as he rubbed the sleep form his eyes .. -

Why we gotta talk about that ...

-He frowned. He didn't want to hear about what Jean Luc had done to him. It was too horrible to think about. It'd eat at him, at the wolf inside of him, and he knew he'd want to go out and murder the vampire. Everything in his being demanded it. He opened his mouth to say more but shut it letting Jules get out what he obviously needed to. The wolf's eyes darkened slowly ... -

Bastard ...

-He frowned reaching out tugging Jules in closer ... -

So you went to Em about it but not me ... why?

-He pieced it was Em, the vampire blood, he doubted Jules would go to feed off Finn. Ace would kill him, but Em would allow it and more to the point offer it. It still hurt the vampire had hidden this from him, told another, when Ren considered them mated on some level and he wanted the vampire to trust him above all else. He pressed his forehead to Jules shutting his eyes a bit before opening them slowly ... -

You can't hunt here Jules ... you know that ... it's not my law ... it's the McCoy rule ... and if we go too far from them north we leave ourselves open to Jean Luc ... here we can blend in ...

-The rubbed the back of his head slowly ... before growling ... -

Fuck ... I can't do anything to help you ... and it kills me ... that bastard I could rip out his throat ...

-He didn't know what to do ... what to say. He hated that Jules was in pain and he hated the vampire needed to feed off humans to survive, to kill. It would draw attention to them. A big fucking bullseye. He brushed the hair from his face ... -

So ... what do you want to do?

-He knew him and Em had come up with some plan ... he was just being told about it and would have to agree ... -

[Synistergrrl]

~Jules sighed as he was pulled in closer to the wolf and when Ren asked that question, he gave a little smile.~

I didn't go to Emile. I went outside and was trying to make it stop. He came to me. He could see I was hurting. He offered his blood, which helps. But I only took a little bit. I didn't come to you right away because... honestly... I thought i could handle it.

~He sighed and then pulled back some. Jules stared at Ren and then he brushed the hair off the wolf's forehead before giving a soft smile.~

You know I trust you Ren... I wanted to pretend that what happened back there didn't happen....

~He sighed some.~

I know I can't hunt here. And, even though Em had offered, I can't just drink from him. I.... I have to go further away. I won't have to go every day.... But I'm going to have to hunt, for a little while... I'll... loose my mind other wise. You understand don't you, Ren? I... I won't if you say you don't want me too...

~He meant those words. He really wanted to make Ren happy. At the moment that's all Jules could really think about. It was all he could do, that and keep from having a complete break with reality. He wasn't so sure what would come out if he let the wall fall down. It scared him a little and Ren would know, could see, in that moment just how broken Jules might be. It was like he'd lost all that confidence and cockiness that he'd oozed with. It seemed to be some where else now.~

[LittleDeadGrrl]

-Ren sighed staring across at the broken vampire. That confidence and cockiness were gone some, he'd been worn down, and it scared the wolf. He didn't like seeing any cracks or any weakness. He reached out tugging Jules in closer by the back of the neck pressing his forehead to the vampires as he shook his head ... -

No ... I understand ... but you can't go alone ...

-He frowned, he wanted to go but to leave the pack behind worried him too much. He couldn't abandon them, what if the Volturi came, it'd kill him. He chewed on his bottom lip before sighing ... -

Em has to go with you ... Finn stays ... you can't take him Ace would lose his shit ... you can go once or twice a week or whatever you need but you can't be gone for too long ... a day at most ok ...

-He was saying those words as if speaking to someone in his pack and he was the alpha but the words were questioning and full of worry. Jules could see it, it wasn't the blood that worried Ren, it was not having him close. It ate at the wolf. He'd let him go once but now it was impossible, the wolf had claimed him and was pacing its cage furious to allow Jules out of his line of sight. -

You have to promise me you'll stay low ... hidden ... you feel any sense of danger and you come right back ...

-He sighed leaning in as he claimed the vampires's lips growling ... -

Damn it ...

-The rest was a string of colorful french words cursing the vampires ... -

[Synistergrrl]

~Jules went easily into the wolf and sighed. He gave a faint smile.~

Well, I wouldn't go alone. I'd take Em, or Niki or Miko, who seems some what keen to learn anything I know. I think it best I go as far as I can but keep with in a half day travel from here. I'll keep it random, Ren... I promise...

~Jules gave a soft smile. He crawled on top of Ren, straddling him and running his hands through Ren's dark hair. He sighed, kissing along the wolf's neck to calm him.~

I promise, I'll keep low and quiet. I have no intention of leaving your side again... Wouldn't want some cute little wolf to catch your eye...

~He teased and then Ren was cursing and Jules just smiled pushing him back a bit roughly. He was feeling a whole lot better having drank Em's blood. He purred a little bit as he tugged at Ren's shirt.~

Such filthy words... wolves... no manners what so ever...

~He chastised Ren, but it was a tease, a taunt. He was working to get Ren's mind off what was going to have to happen. That there were going to be times that Ren wouldn't be there to protect Jules and the vampire would have to do it on his own. But Jules was nothing if not a survivor, it was the one saving grace he had. The one thing that would lead him back from the brink of insanity, if he'd let it.~

[LittleDeadGrrl]

-Ren didn't seem convinced and he didn't like the thought of Jules being away from him. He arched a brow ... -

Don't bring Miko ... I don't like the cat ...

-The alpha didn't enjoy the tag along Em had brought along and the way the cat watched them. He also didn't want anyone that might want to fuck Jules. He could reasonable trust Em and Niki. The wolf was possessive and he didn't hide it. The kissing was helping relax him thought. He smirked a bit ... -

Don't distract me ...

-He growled but enjoyed it all the same and was clearly melting a bit. When he was straddled he fell back easily as he let his hands rest on the vampire's hips. He glance dup tugging Jules down roughly ... -

I thought you liked it filthy ...

-He teased claiming the vampire's lips and for a moment letting it all go. It was more than just being together, he was nipping at the mark he'd left on his shoulder marking him for his own all over again as if he tried to erase everything that had happened. Once it was over he lay down tugging Jules in closer nuzzling into him ... -

I love you Jules ...